Loving My Neighbor, Loving Myself

You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39 NKJV).

It should be such an easy commandment. Love our neighbors even as (just like, in the same way as) we love ourselves.

But what if I don’t love myself? What if I treat myself poorly? Would I be obeying this commandment if treated others with the same disrespect as I show myself? Should I hold them in similar low esteem?

I rather think most of us would say this would be disobeying the spirit of the law. Does it help if we at least follow Philippians 2:3? “In lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Does that mean to love others more than ourselves? I don’t think so.

The next verse clarifies his intent. “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Esteeming others means looking out for their interests as well as our own, not instead of our own.

To love our neighbor properly requires we find a way to love ourselves.

What Is Love?

Love doesn’t necessarily mean approval of personality quirks, lifestyle choices, or sinful behavior. It does mean being patient and kind, neither gloating over others’ weaknesses nor envying strengths we don’t have. It refrains from keeping a running tab on wrongs and endures with a patience born of hope. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)

Sometimes it seems easier to give others this kind of treatment than to give it to ourselves. We know too well what is in our hearts, how hard (or how little) we have tried to change, what our true motives were for wrongs we have done. We know, in other words, the weakness of our excuses. Our consciences bear a detailed accounting, written in indelible ink, of our failures and sins. Giving ourselves another chance at getting it right can be more difficult than giving others a similar opportunity.

Perhaps the love you so generously give to others is actually a cry from your heart—a yearning for the love you need from yourself.

Dealing with the List

So, let’s deal with this inventory of demerits we keep against ourselves. As long as it remains, our guilty conscience will keep whispering that we don’t deserve love.

Somehow, we know this to be ridiculous. It was for the guilty that Christ died, not the innocent. And He died for the guilty because He first loved them. (1 John 4:19) So, before we go on, remind your heart that love is not a reward. It is a gift. God first loved the world, then He gave His son to work forgiveness. (John 3:16)

Begin by taking that list, that written code of allegations burning your conscience, and confess them one by one to the Lord. Ask for His forgiveness and nail the accusations on the cross as Christ did (Colossians 2:14). If you’ve done that, but the ink of guilt doesn’t seem to fade, perhaps you need to take a further step and forgive yourself.

We Don’t Deserve Forgiveness

Why is forgiving ourselves so hard? My guess is it’s related to what we know about our hearts. We know the ugly motives that led to our crimes. We not only knew what was wrong we wanted to do it. Now others live with the consequences of our actions and it just doesn’t seem fair that we should walk in the freedom of forgiveness while others remain in bondage because of us.

We come to the inevitable conclusion that we don’t actually deserve forgiveness. As lovely as it may be that others have found it in their hearts to forgive us, they don’t know what we know. We didn’t try hard enough. We didn’t hold out long enough. We caved in when we should have resisted. We ignored the right and did the wrong. We don’t merit either man’s forgiveness or God’s.

Here’s the happy truth. We’re right. We don’t deserve forgiveness. But we do need it. The only people actually eligible for forgiveness are the guilty and that puts us in exactly the right place. The innocent may be deserving of praise, but they aren’t more deserving of forgiveness than we are.

But We Can Receive It

To love ourselves, we must first forgive ourselves. To do so, we probably have an important mindset that needs changing: We are not the highest judge in the courtroom of our hearts. God is.

First John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” In other words, we’re responsible for the confessing, He’s in charge of the forgiving. If we’ve confessed and our hearts still feel guilty, we may just consider our own judgment to be higher than God’s.

Of course, we don’t mean to do this. We don’t mean to esteem our opinion over His. So, what can we do?

Taking Myself to Court

When I can’t seem to shake the guilt after receiving God’s “acquittal” verdict, I take myself back to a lower court. A court where I am in the judge’s seat, looking at the girl at the defendant’s table.

Then I try to administer the same love to myself as I would to someone else. Paul wrote we should “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). God so loved that girl at the table that He gave His son to die in her place. Out of respect for that great love, I choose kindness, compassion, and patience for the woman on trial. I strike the gavel and repeat the verdict from the higher court. As He has forgiven so do I forgive–for this item on the docket, for that item, for this bullet point on the list and for that. I name them one by one and declare myself neither innocent nor guilty, but forgiven.

Even if I’ve repeated the same offense again and again, I apply the same mercy for myself as Jesus told the disciples to apply for others in Matthew 18:21–22. “’Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’” I must believe that if I continue to forgive, He will find a way to heal and change me along the way.

So, let’s confess our sins and receive His forgiveness. Then, let’s turn around and forgive ourselves. Out of such honor for God’s judgments, we will find love for ourselves. And out of such love for ourselves, we’ll become even more adept at loving our neighbor the way God does.